So i just sliced the crap out of my index finger knuckle, right down to the bone. I could never imagine seeing my own bone, you know, while i was still alive, but let me tell you, its not quite everything its cracked up to be. aside from increadibly painful, theres something about feeling a blade slice through skin blood and muscle then deflect off bone, (because as soon as it happens, even if its never happened to you before, you know exactly what happened) its terrifying. It makes you feel mortal, or maybe just me but it unnerving. The first thing that shot through my head right after it happened was when im 35 the scar tissue in my hands will be so bad i win't be able to hold a pencil. Its a really scary thought for me. My next thought was of course oh dear god if i can't hold a penicl how will i hold a gaming controller?! an even scarier thought, but i then realized in the futture medicin will have advanced to the point where it won;t matter. thank god it was my left hand though, god typing 1 handed sucks. dammat i have so much i wanna say but this is going so slowly im gunna forget it all and just get pissed and stop, already whats happening actually. Ok the rundown, i started doing lots of small art/fun design projects, i started making chainmail from wire, making a fully accurate gears of war Outfit (this is gunna look so fucking badass by the way), etching, carving, and embroidering mmy shaman totem staff (which is why i cut my hand so badly but it loooks  very cool now, wrapped with wire and the etched part is painted in a nice blood red, next step if finding rafiki idols or totemic figures or something to hang from the points on the staff (Im thinking like the rasta wow trolls)) and designing tatoos. i have this thought that your no kind of man without a lot of skills, i realized through chores ive learned sooooo many trades and skills i never even realized. I can cut wood, roof houses, paint barns, rooms, houses, paintings, and eveything in between, i can tile and gout floors, i can fix almost any piece of furniture and tons of electrical gadgets (computers, gaming systems, clocks, steroes and tons more), I can cook a smattering of dishes that taste amazing, i can paint, draw, pastel, and ink alright but im getting better slowly, i can game, i can fish, build fire, whittle, sew, craft, and hundreds more. I think i learn so many skills to a medium ability because i feel like humans will pick up and learn most in youth, so they can hone those skills growing up. as long as i have a lot of these skills i can always perfect them with time. also i think the older you get the harder it is to take up a trade. if you practicd a skill, even a little as a kid, you know how to pick up and continue workin with it, but no one wants to be bad at a trade, thats why people give up partly. Like skateboarding or lax. had i picked up either in 4-6th grade i would be pretty good at them now (i would have been an amazing lax player dammat, im sad i waited so long to get into it, i like it alot). now i try to skateboard and i get so defeated seeing little kids puling off tricks i dunno. i gtg

Yay... This was a very good week, i finally met a group of people like my rwu willow friends, but instad of wilow its north building. Im starting to feel stablizied here for the first time. i only have classes on mon and thurs which may sound great but i have too much free time on my hands and it gets boring. im going to do some voulenteer work at the farm next to te school for fun, i figure it will look good on any kind of application... heh last year at this time there is no shot in hell i would have done voulenteer work for applications of any kind let alone college applications, now without reason i want to do these things to better my standing for a future career or what not. god im starting to love college. Im so excited by the work im doing these days i feel like its stuf i should have been doing for ages but im glad i found it even this late in the game there is still time for me to make up the lost time. Im starting to have revelations about myself and stupidity on a daily basis its strange. like i keep seeing hints of the smart and more importantly concious person i will be. I feel smarter than i used to be, i am smarter and more careful than i used to be, its really a satisfying feeling, i can now turn down the things i want to do at that moment to protect myself in the long term, and i realized that i really don't need weed, i just enjoy it here and there to make friends and to see the world through different eyes. I was talking to dively the other day an he is going through all the shit i dealt with sophmore-senior year o high school, but he has it much worse. See i love big man, he's my brother and my baby, but he is a dumb mother fucker. excuse me not dumb just thoughtless and has "fuck it" synddrome 8 times worse than anything i ever had. Hes a big guy with a big loving heart but he has no understanding of his own emotions and reactions to events in his life. Im a little worried about him. He's convinced he feels shitty entirly because of trish and refuses to see that you do get a chemical low from smoking pot when you smoke as much as he does. First off he smokes more weed than i ever did, i mean blunt after blunt, all day every day. i did that similar shit when i was really unhappy right before i went into rehab, thank god for rehab, it showed me that i didn't need weed to be happy, and that you get withdrawl for the first 3 or 4 days after you stop smoking, but it does fade, you just have to stop, something dively refuses to do. in a sense i refused it too and had it not been for the court there is no way anyone else could have made me go to rehab. This sounds bad but i really hope the courts force him into a rehab program just so he can see he doesn't need it. Worse still dively has no sense of conciquence (sp?) at all, any time he gets in trouble his parents just cover for him with money, so he never feels like he's lost anything, so he has no motivation to change, fucking up hasn't impeded what he wannts to do enough. It really is true you have to get fucked to fix your bad habits, at least once to realize your not immortal. Worse still, as you might be able to tell from his size, big man has no ability to say no to his "that moment" wants and desires. He will listen to music that makes him sad and long for trish because its brings up strong emotions and feels good for a bit, but then when yo have to retun to reality it just makes you feel like shit, and he still does it. i used to freak out to mixed tape by jacks mannequin for hours on end in the car because i could borrow or arouse great emotions from the lyrics and rythm but at the same time it would make me feel so shitty afterwards. i would get out of the car feeling like i was hungover and crashing off acid. Now i just resist the sad songs and within a few months their stripped of emotion and i can listen to them again without the sadness, sure its less satisfying to listen to them without the feeling of great sorrow, but its allows you to move past the tough stuff better then dwelling on bad shit. Now dives will take big risks on small things because he cares more about his social life than his own saftey, and thats a dangerous thing for him. Im worried but i know there isn;t anything i can do other than be his friend and whisper to him that he has a problem. if i try to force some kind of intervention he would resent me for it later and become defensivly aggrivated. I feel bad because i know he's in for a hard few years and i wish that there was more i could do but the most i can for him is be by his side. poor guy. The best thing that i learned in the past few months is to turn down my addictions and bad habits if they are have any risk greater than 1%. for example, smoking in my room carries a risk of around 10% that a p safty or RA will smell it, and though that seems small, its huge, because you can get away with it a few times but your eventually destined to be fucked. now smoking bowls right outside the dorms carries consideribly less risk, around 4%ish, but thats still too high, so we smoke joints that look like cigs, while smoking cigs, at night, off campus, at around a .3% risk factor, and thats aceptable risk. It all comes down to math. i always say to myself before i do something shady "Am i carrying? Do i have my ...(wallet, cell, keys, ect)? Is the risk decimals or whole numbers? and Do i have an escape route/plan?" and that system works real well for me, i think my parents and dave the p safty guy whos now my best friend, call it discretion. its something that takes a while to learn because you have to fuck up to see why its necessary. I always give myself a pat on the back when someone asks if i want a hit and i can say "Nah im good", because i never used to be able to say that, i as so desperate to be liked that it wasn;t worth my saftey. I think all my caution started with finding a purpose for living, my purpose for my future, because it gave something to shoot for, and fucking up more might have stopped me from getting getting where i wanna go. im actually increadibly competative im just like seabiscut though, i just have to see a challenge and a finish line in order to push myself to win. i like me : ) Its really amazing looking back on my old entries of how much ive changed, and how much happier i am now. Its really no wonder i was such a procrastinator all through high school, i never really cared or wanted to more ahead in school because i had no passion for that kind of work. man im really excited for the next few years of my life, i feel like im finally going to become the person ive wanted to be all my life, the person i alway thought i could never become because i thought i wasn;t strong enough. when you can't see the future you imagine your future being a repitition of the week your in over and over, and thats so far from the truth, every week you change and your lifestyle changes, no two weeks are alike. that gives me some strange feeling of satisfaction, that ive finally understood that your mood at that moment affects your feelings about everything your thinking about. i try not to let my mood affect my thoughts about well anything, but thats hard, ill get better at that, at least ive gotten the basics down. Hmmm i had a great thought the other day but im drawing a blank. oh well, i think it was something my pops said, ive forgotten, oh well. inbetween the ins and outs of it all ive gotta say im a pretty content person all in all. new friends, new girls, new lifestlye, new skills, new clothes, new ideas, new Ethos, same old video games, but a new and yet still the same old me. heh im so strange

I met a girl i want to date, lets see how tonight goes... Pray for me